Monday, December 06, 2004
I am really at the end of my rope. I just don't know what to do with my 4 year old. He keeps doing things he isn't supposed to when I am nursing the baby. He keeps leaving our apartment. While I was at work this morning and my husband woke up to find A outside with his car keys cleaning the snow off his car. This afternoon while I was feeding Z in my bedroom, A was supposed to be taking a nap. A left the apartment again and was in the apartment across the hall. We have tried the child safety nobs on the door, but he has figured out how to take them off. We put a chain higher up on the door and move the chairs so he can't move them, but he stacks up things at the door to undo the chain. He will not behave. He continues to do things he has been told hundreds of times, literally, not to do. I have try so many different things with him, but nothing seems to works with him. It seems as though I am always angry and yelling.
The thing I fear the most is that my baby is being neglected to some extent because of it all. There are times that I am so upset and angry dealing with A that I just let Z cry as long as he is feed and has a clean diaper. I am ashamed of the fact that I let him cry. This just adds to my frustration and anger with A.
I am exhausted. I get very little sleep, which again just adds to my frustration and anger. I just really suck at being a mom!!!
Posted at 03:07 pm by Surviving
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
It looks like the kids and I may be heading to Yemen sometime in January or the beginning of February. One of the conditions that I insisted on was having my own computer and internet. Well, my new laptop is scheduled to be delivered tomorrow!! I'm excited. However, it means a lot of work ahead saving on my stuff so that I can take it all with me.
We are doing this so that my husband will be able to go to school and work. Currently we are working opposite hours so that one of us is home with the kids. So going to school and studying really wouldn't work at this time. I will be able to spend more quality time with my kids. I won't have the stress of work or lack of sleep to deal with. I'll also need to learn arabic while there. I have wanted to for awhile but just haven't really been motivated. I have agreed to give things at least 6 months. If after that time I am truly unhappy then I will come back to the US.
I would be staying in an apartment in my father-in-laws house. All my husband's brothers and their families live in the house as well.
I know it won't be easy, but I really need a break from things around here.
Posted at 04:45 pm by Surviving
Sunday, November 21, 2004
I received the phone call I have been dreading. I thought that since A's birthday had passed that I wouldn't have to deal with it. I was wrong. My exhusband, A's birth father, called last night. We haven't heard anything from him in about 10-11 months. Apparently he was with his family in Iraq. He just got back about a month ago. I don't understand why he waited 3 days after his son's birthday to call. I don't understand why he didn't call before he left the country to let me know. I don't understand why he didn't call from Iraq to check on his son. I don't understand how he pays for trip back and forth yet doesn't support his son financially.
Well, as before his call started an argument between me and my husband.
My husband doesn't want me talking to the ex at all. I just want to "play nice". I know that the ex could create quite a few problems for us, which I would rather avoid.
He thinks that I should just give the phone to A. A is four, how does he expect A to fill the ex in on how he is doing.
He also thinks that the ex should just wait until A is 18 to call. He thinks that having contact with his birth father would make things worse for A. I think not having contact with him would actually be worse for A.
He also started in about child support again, which he had brought up several days ago. So this just added fuel to the fire. The ex did send a some money this time last year for A. It really irritates me that he keeps bringing this subject up. I work I make more then enough to cover A's expenses. Again I just don't want to rock the boat due to the fact that the ex could create problems. Not to mention he has been out of the country the majority of the time.
I really just don't need this right now. This time last year when he started calling I was pregnant with Z. I was having a hard time emotionally due to crazy hormones. This year I'm dealing with post partium depression and major sleep deprivation. I just hope that he behaves better then he did last year and that my husband will just accept that this is how things are. I don't need the added stress.
Posted at 07:31 am by Surviving
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Posted at 07:42 pm by Surviving
Over a week ago I thought I would try nursing Z to see what he would do, I have been doing this periodically since he came home from the hospital. There were a couple of reasons for trying. I was lazy and didn't want to go get a bottle for him, I frequently feel that I spend most of my day pumping, feeding Z with a bottle, washing bottles, and making bottles. I had to throw a bunch of frozen milk out because it was too old, Z didn't really like the frozen stuff anyway. I no longer have any frozen milk for him. I have been worried about a decrease in milk due to the fact that I was only using the pump and am too lazy to pump every 3 hours all day long.
Well, it actually worked. He has been nursing ever since. How many 5 month old babies start nursing after having bottles for so long? He has only gotten bottles when I was not home, we were in public (I'm not comfortable doing it in public- the only exception being at the masjid in the woman's section), or I just needed a break.
It looks like I may have to give him some formula when I am at work. I'm not happy about it but what else can I do. It also means my husband will have to wake me up if Z wakes up after I go to bed.
Posted at 07:38 pm by Surviving
I have been off work since Friday afternoon. I took the time off hoping to get some things done. However I have spent the last week sick. I actually have felt worse yesterday and today. I have to go back to work tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it at all. I feel weak and achy right now. My throat also hurts. How would it be to get some rest while someone else takes care of my kids, apartment, laundry, cooking, etc?
Posted at 07:22 pm by Surviving
We celebrated Eid on Sunday. It was pretty nice. We started the day off at the masjid. I was able to spend some time talking to a couple of other women which was nice. I was irritated once again by the poor accomidations for the women. I won't go in to details as it will only set me off again. Afterwards we went with another family to Chuck E Cheese. The kids really enjoyed playing the games. The other mother and I also had some time to play a few games while the men watched the baby. We then stopped and got some lunch to take back to the other families house. We ate and relaxed until it was time to go the the movie. The movie was good. I was disappointed when we left however. Here we were a large group of muslims represently islam. I was really bothered by all the garbage people left behind. How hard would it have been for people to throw their garbage away. It would have been nice if people would have thought about the kind of impression that could have been made by simply throwing their garbage away on their way out of the theatre. Anyway, after the movie my family stopped and rented some videos. We went home and ordered pizza and watched movies.
Posted at 07:16 pm by Surviving
Today was A's appointment with the ENT. His tonsils were almost swollen shut today. The dr said that his swollen tonsils could also explain his crying in his sleep. The crying while sleeping has gotten worse the last couple of weeks. He cries off and on all night long. I can't wake him up or comfort him when it is going on. At times it happens every couple of minutes.
The dr said that he does think this is a case of sleep apnea as he seems to have almost all the symptoms. So we have surgery scheduled in a little over a month.
Posted at 07:02 pm by Surviving
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
I have noticed recently that my almost 4 year old's tonsils are really swollen. I have had the same problem for years but I don't get sick enough to qualify for my insurance to have them removed. So when we took Z in for his checkup my husband had the doctor look at A's tonsils. She said that unless he is having other problems that they wouldn't do anything about it. Well, one of the things she mentioned was snoring. A has always been a very noisy sleeper. You can here him several rooms away snoring. The doctor said to watch if he stops breathing when snoring, if so that he would probably need to see an ENT. Well I have been paying attention and he seemed to stop breathing the other night. So this evening I decided to check some things out online about children and snoring. I found several articles mentioning that snoring is a sign of sleep apnea.
Sleep Apnea:
- can be inherited- my father has sleep apnea
- can cause poor weight gain- A is really skinny, finding pants for him is difficult
- can cause behavior problems- boy do we have behavioral problems
- can cause short attention span- again a problem
A has several of the symptoms associated with sleep apnea. Tomorrow morning I am going to call and set up an appointment with an ENT!
Posted at 08:48 pm by Surviving
I am very irritated right now. A couple of weeks ago my youngest sister emailed me asking for my address. I have lived at the same address for over 2 years. My family is always asking me for my address. Why can't anyone manage to keep my address? Then today I get another email from my youngest sister asking what my LAST NAME is!!! I've been married over 2 years and she doesn't know my last name!!!! This is one of several reasons I just don't communicate with my family much.
Things were so much better when my mother was alive. My mother wasn't like the rest of them. I miss her so much. I think she was the only person that really cared about me.
Posted at 08:08 pm by Surviving
